(Notes:  1. Camera phone pictures ahead, again I apologize for the quality of the pictures.  2. It may be worth it to click through the pictures for additional commentary…then again, it may not be worth it.  Guess you'll have to make a judgment call ;-P )

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THE GOLDBERG GAZETTE!!!

Secret Behind Yod's Slow Shipping Revealed!

September 8th, Somewhere in California

In a shocking investigation by California's best CHimPs CHiPs, it has been uncovered that Yod's Weekend Photo Scavenger Hunt prize winners are not only NOT getting their prizes, but the prizes are not even actually being mailed!  When confronted with this news, Yod acknowledged this issue, but thrust the blame squarely on his delivery service.

Reptile Parcel ServiceReptile Parcel Service2

Authorities believe this is why Yod has been so slow at getting the Yod Hunt prizes out.

"Those damn reptiles in the Reptile Parcel Service [RPS] are moving slower than molasses!" Yod was quoted as saying to one reporter.  "I have a mind to go down to their main office and fix me up some snake stew, if this keeps up."

One other source, who wished to only be identified as "J" had this to say: "I told him not to go with RPS.  But nooo, would he listen to me?  When I saw those pictures, I yelled at him – You idiot, you didn't even check to see if they employed REAL reptiles!"

The local representative for RPS could not be reached for comment on the issue.

Old Barn Responsible for Slow Decrease in Home Property Values

September 8th, Somewhere in North Carolina

As you drive down the street of one residential neighborhood, you find yourself smiling at the family-sized red brick houses that line the road.  Each house has its own special touches – a beautiful flower bed here, a elegantly designed walkway and entrance there.  With the rising prices for housing in the area, you would never know that this neighborhood was currently being subjected to a plague worse than any known to its residents in the history of the area.

Residents of the area remarked that they would have rather been a victim of a nuclear explosion than have the pictured building in their neighborhood.

The issue is a barn.  Old and dilapidated, this once-quaint structure now screams out in anguish as the tin roof tiles slowly rust and fall from the rotting wooden structure.  One side has settled and appears to be caving in, while a constant parade of squirrels and cats stream in and out of the structure – proof that although this old goat barn may be old, it still provides enough shelter for vermin and wild animals.

The owner of the property has done little to clean up the pile of junk on the second level, even though when interviewed, he promised he would be boarding this over sometime in the near future.  When pressed, he had this to say: "Well, that couple that built that fence there put it so close to my old barn that I'm not sure I can do it now without putting a ladder into their yard."

When the owners of the property in front of this barn were informed of this response, they replied: "We've been here for a year now, and he's never once asked us if he could put a ladder on our property to board up the barn.  We'd be more than happy for him to do so.  We heard this house was on the market for 9 months without a single bid because of that barn.  Frankly, we bought the place knowing the barn was there, but figured it'd probably collapse sometime in the next 3-4 years, and we wouldn't have to look at it anymore after that."

It is unknown how badly this barn is affecting property values in the area.  One local real estate mogul claims the barn has no influence on neighborhood prices.  "We've got plenty of properties in that neighborhood that people have been putting up for sale, and they've been getting quality bids coming in.  I don't see what the big deal is.  If you don't like rustic barns, I've got some great city properties I can show you instead."

Vox Vandalism On the Rise

September 8th, In Your Backyard

Once again, police have determined the recent slew of "picture vandalism" reported by concerned citizens is the work of none other than webloggers using the blogging service provided by Vox.com.  Although the specific individual responsible is still unknown, the rash of crazy photos witnessed by tens of households around the nation has specific clues leading the police back to this internet journal website.

The Work of a Crazy BloggerSnapshot Frenzy on Tree Stump

There are no suspects, but police believe this was the work of crazed bloggers on a scavenger hunt.

Detective Cannutfine Myown-Tuchus had this to say on the matter: "Someone obviously took the time to print out these pictures and do something with them.  There seem to be specific user names on each photo, possibly the login credentials to individual blogs, or gang names.  We are doing everything in our power to track down the criminal behind this flagrant act of vandalism, and I personally have no doubts we will get our man within the week.  Unless he's in another city…then it might take a little longer, since we have to pay for our own long-distance calls."

Cat Burglar Caught After Police Pursuit

September 8th, Somewhere in the United States

After a 24 hour manhunt, police pursued and apprehended the infamous cat burglar Jeff "The Boarder" Bigg, responsible for at least a dozen break-ins and at least one actual robbery.  Mr. Bigg, whose trademark involves wearing winter sports gear while committing his crimes, was picked out of a downtown crowd.  "It's pretty easy to identify 'The Boarder' when it's 97 degrees out and he's wearing a parka and ski-cap," one astute citizen mentioned.

Reporters arrived late on the scene of the capture of Mr. Bigg, and were unable to gather any specifics as to how "The Boarder" was finally apprehended by police.  Captain Ima Winner would not divulge any information regarding the techniques the responding officers used to pacify the individual in question.  "We may need to use these techniques again," says Winner. "The last thing we want is some criminal figuring out how to outsmart us because he knows all our tricks."

It is unknown how this chase ended.

Retractions

The Goldberg Gazette must apologize for the article published in last week's paper.  From the number of complaints we received, we now understand that our photo caption of "Fig. 3-11: Human consuming treat" was ambiguous.  Many wrote in asking if it was supposed to be "Human, consuming treat", or "Human-consuming treat".

We were able to get some better photos for the original story and are publishing them here in this edition of the Gazette.  Hopefully this clears up any confusion.

Human, Eating Treat or Human-Eating Treat?Human, Eating Treat or Human-Eating Treat?

Fig. 3-11: Human consuming treat.

Well, it appears that BOTH interpretations are correct.

Sincerely,
The Editor

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