Rossotron.com

If it’s been a while since you read the fairy tale, let me quickly recap:

• Youngest son’s inheritance is a cat.
• Puss demands and receives a pair of boots.
• Puss proceeds to hunt and catch animals in the forest and present them to the King as gifts from the fictional Marquis de Carabas.
• Puss tells his master to strip naked and hide in the river while he cons the King and his daughter into thinking the young man is the Marquis de Carabas and has been robbed.
• Puss runs ahead and coerces the peasants along the road into telling the King that the fields, farms, and game preserves he passes all belong to the Marquis de Carabas.  Puss threatens to cut them up into mincemeat if they don’t comply.
• Puss enters a castle where an ogre lives, tricks the ogre into turning into a mouse, kills and eats him, and claims ownership of the castle for his master.
• The King, impressed by the wealth of the “Marquis”, gives the impostor his princess’ hand in marriage and makes him heir to the throne.
• Puss lives high on the hog and only chases mice when he feels like it, thereafter.

My thoughts:

1. Puss is kind of a dick.
2. This sounds oddly like the set of actions that created the last big Real Estate Bubble.
3. This is the best example I can find in literature where lying is rewarded, where an apparently completely undeserving individual (the third son) ends up on top of it all through trickery and deception, and appearance and wealth are stressed above all other things as the driving forces for marriage.
4. I’m pretty sure I’m going to avoid reading this story to my kids until they’re old enough to understand how truly twisted it is.

michelle-said posted a hilariously tragic story about how she got her laptop, Chardonnay Lionheart, addicted to cheap eBay power cords.  Yes, Michelle is an enabler.  But enough about her; the most important part of her story is not the sad spiral of decay that her poor Macbook Pro has fallen into, but rather its name.

Chardonnay Lionheart.

That is one truly awesome name for a laptop.

And you know what?

My poor laptop has been struggling along under the weight of my numerous endeavors for YEARS now with the same lack of respect I bestow on my garbage can.

My car has a name (Abe, aka The Silver Sparrow).

My children have many names (not all of them fit for company).

Hell, even my house has a name (Casa de Bedlam).

But my poor computer? It is as anonymous as, well, Anonymous.

So now, I am engaging in a quest.  A quest for the perfect name.

I expect it will end one evening with the storm looming outside and the windows blowing open, and I will shout my laptop’s given name into the raging tempest and save Fantasia from The Nothing.

Oh wait, sorry, that’s already been done.  Scrap that last paragraph.

Ok, I actually expect it will end one evening with me cleaning the fingerprint-smudged screen and, after closing the laptop’s cover and giving it a single pat on its hard casing, speaking aloud the words, “That’ll do, __________.  Good night.”

So here’s to finding the perfect name.  My laptop has faithfully stood by me for years of unquestioning service – it’s about time I show it how much I care for it in return.

Or rather, one picture.  A portrait, to be precise.

Paul Thie, an artist friend of a friend of a friend has a new project he’s doing called Everyone. It’s a really neat idea – he accepts photograph submissions from friends, relatives, and now total strangers and turns them into mini ink portraits (1.25″ by 1″).  The results run the gamut in styles (it looks like there are some cubist, expressionist, surrealist, and realist pieces up there, among others), but all feel linked together by a common thread of the medium and composition.  After he draws them, he scans and posts the complete portrait on the site, and, if you’re so inclined, it appears you can buy the original artwork for $25.

I submitted my photo a couple of days ago and he already worked his magic and put up my portrait.  I’m the 6th row, on the end (hover your mouse over it to see the tooltip “RG”), and this is the photo I submitted for his inspiration, if you want to get a peek into the artist’s mind:

He hasn’t said anything about stopping any time soon, but I’m sure there’s a limit to how many he’s going to end up doing, so if you want your photo interpreted by a talented artist, go over to his site and submit your own picture!

I may be late to the party, but I just noticed today that Amazon’s Appstore for Android is now offering one paid app, for free, every day.  Today’s offer is Shazam, which normally costs $5. Also available: Angry Birds Rio. (More Angry Birds goodness for free!)

Although I’m not a fan of installing yet another app installer, this looks like it could be worthwhile if Amazon’s going to help subsidize the cost of some of the paid apps out there and offer some worthwhile apps for free (if only for a day).  Plus, by going through Amazon you also get to use their always-helpful recommendation engine, which helped me to find 2 or 3 other apps I was interested in but would have had extreme difficulty finding on the hard-to-navigate Android Market on my phone.

I’ve written about yogurt container designs before.  I’m not an expert, or even a yogurt aficionado, but I do tend to pack one in my lunch most days, so I’ve had my share of experience with different packages.

This is one of the silliest designs for a yogurt container I’ve seen yet.

Yes, it’s a cute idea to have a separate “mixer” compartment, but it completely fails the usability test.

Scooping the strawberry topping (or honey, in the case of the other one I bought) is difficult due to the narrowness of that section of the container.  If you’re not extremely careful, some will spill over the sides and onto your table.  I could see them scoring the divider between the two sections so you could fold the smaller over and let it spill into the larger one, but the manufacturer didn’t do this and my attempts to do so made even more of a mess.

The whole container is only about 1.5” tall, so it’s more like trying to spoon yogurt off a plate, rather than out of a cup.

These design flaws, along with the consistency of the too-watery yogurt, firmly entrench this brand on my “Products Not To Buy Ever Again” list.

-Ross, who shall probably now be forever thought of as ‘That Yogurt Dork’ by the rest of the internet

Way back when I set up this blog, I installed Google Analytics on it. Occasionally, I’ll go in and check out where all the traffic is coming from, and what people seem to be interested in. It doesn’t change what I write or post here, but it does provide some interesting feedback as to how people are responding to the bizarre junk that spills out of my brain.

However, the search terms are a whole different story – these are just plain entertaining. Here’s a list of the best and/or most interesting terms that brought people to my blog:

1. mood ring colors – Geez Louise – you do one post about how the length of your fingernails reflects your mood and suddenly everyone thinks you’re a mood-ring expert.  It helps that the photo I used in this post used to come up as one of the top hits for the Google Image Search for mood rings, but I’m guessing most people were disappointed when they finally clicked through.
2. reblog your own post tumblr – By far my most popular post on this blog, I made a bookmarklet for people to use to reblog their own posts on the microblogging platform Tumblr.  I’ve got 76 variations on this search term that lead people to this post, so obviously there’s a lot of folks out there that want to reblog their own content for some reason or another.  Hope my bookmarklet helps them out!
3. papercraft cd case – The internet is gaga over papercraft.  I could probably title posts “Papercraft Toilet” and “Papercraft Model of the Human Uterus” and I’d get more hits on those posts than all of my others combined. (Actually, I’d love to see either of those if they actually exist!)
4. barber shop strip club – People still seem to enjoy my “it seemed like a good idea at the time” post about having a barber shop and strip club under one roof, even though I very clearly pointed out how, in the end, it just wouldn’t pan out well.
5. doing just enough to get by – The unspoken slacker code.  Mostly unspoken because it would take too much effort for the slackers to document it somewhere.
6. human torch candle in the wind – You know, they really should do a reboot of the Fantastic Four series.  Elton John would be perfect as Johnny Storm. “Flame On! Like a Diva!”
7. “funny always” “funny once” “funny never” – What are my favorite authors’ blog posts, my attempts at humor, and practical jokes, respectively, Alex?
8. audible amazon is rubbish – I agree.  And until they remove DRM from their products, I’ll never be a subscriber.
9. bad nursery rhymes – Happy to oblige: “Mary had a little lamb / its fleece as white as snow / and everywhere that Mary went / pineapple!”
10. barbershop with strip club – See, what did I say?  Something about that idea just strikes a chord with people!
11. being a flamingo dancer in a past life – Why yes, my adopted Native American name DOES translates to “Dancing With Flamingos” – how did you know?
12. can’t wait to meet my family – You and me both!
13. friends ross calls himself rossotron – Well, I don’t technically call MYSELF Rossotron, so you’re probably looking for a different Ross.  There’s a lot of us out there, so it’s ok if you got confused.
14. gentlemen club barbar shops – Ok really, that’s enough folks.  THERE IS NO STRIP CLUB BARBER SHOP. END OF CONVERSATION.
15. grass wolf scrunt – I have no idea what this means, but it sounds like an AWESOME band name.  Feel free to use it and send me a copy of your first demo, and I’ll see if I can get it some play on the radio for you.
16. green eggs and ham led zeppelin – I’m pretty sure green eggs and ham were NOT on the gig rider for any of Zeppelin’s tours, but I could be mistaken.
17. haiku about feeling crazy – How’s this? “Insane in da brain / (I’m) Insane in da membrane / Insane in da brain!” Oh no, wait, that’s just Cypress Hill lyrics in haiku form.  Sorry, I guess that’s the best I can manage on such short notice.
18. how can i get a copy of my purchase receipt from circuit city – I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure you’re out of luck.  Good rule of thumb to remember for the future though: Always request a copy of your purchase receipt BEFORE the company declares bankruptcy.
19. how not to cry on your wedding day – There’s only one surefire way – surgical removal of the tear ducts.  Better start saving now though – I’m pretty sure that’s not a procedure covered by many HMOs.
20. how to make my wife cry tears of you at our wedding – Well, you can always do what I did, but I’d recommend just trying to make her day extra-special, and if the tears come, they come.
21. i made her day – Good for you! If she’s important to you, try to make her day again tomorrow, and the next, and the next, ad infinitum.  She’ll appreciate it, I promise you.
22. lady in the water scrunt making – Oh wait, NOW I know where that “grass wolf scrunt” search term came from.  Wishing I could forget, though.  Just like I wish I could erase the entire Lady in the Water movie from my brain.  Some things you just can never unsee, however.
23. liquor and gun shop combo – Sounds like another one of those “It seemed like a good idea at the time” schemes.  I like the double entendre of “taking shots” though.
24. makemywifecry – Sorry, not my bag.  I’m sure your wife doesn’t enjoy it when someone makes her cry, either.
25. my mother makes it clear i was an accident – Wow, that’s a little too much information.  It sounds like maybe both you and her need a little group therapy to work through whatever issues are going on there.
26. radon inspector bainbridge island – Have you heard of the yellow pages? Because I sure as hell won’t be of any use on this query.
27. redheaded woodpecker smoking a cigar – Now this is something I’d like to see!  How soon can you arrange for me to take a photo of such an avian spectacle?
28. strip club and barbershop in little rock,ar. – Hmmm. This search seems oddly specific. Perhaps I spoke too soon about the non-existence of a strip club barber shop?  Must do some more research on the subject, methinks.
29. what is the direction of the movie “city of ember” – Generally, outwards and upwards.  I hope this doesn’t give away too much of the plot for you.
30. what things come in fives – Fingers and toes come to mind.  Oh yeah, and the Heineken Holiday Five Pack.
31. why is my sense of direction bad – I have no clue but if you find out, could you please tell me?  I suffer from such an ailment myself and would love to learn how to improve it.
32. william goldman is a liar – Wow, harsh words there buddy.  And frankly, I’m not sure I believe you.  Where’s your evidence?  And remember that making statements like this in print can be construed as libel, and based on extensive legal knowledge gleaned over the years from such shows as Ally McBeal and Night Court, I can authoritatively tell you this is NOT something you want William Goldman to sue you over.

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Phew, that’s quite enough for today.  I’d get some better crazy filters on this blog to keep out the foil-hat-wearing nutjobs, but they’re WAY too much fun to observe (from a safe distance, of course).