• To the driver of a silver BMW that absolutely had to cut in an out of traffic already going 80 miles an hour, only to end up in the exit lane and speed up to 100 in order to cut back over into traffic just before you would have been forced to leave the highway: You sir, are an idiot and a menace.  I hope all four of your tires develop flats on the way to work tomorrow morning.

  • To the jacktard driving the black Corvette with his left hand holding his cell phone to his right ear, while barely steering with his right hand while going 5 miles under the speed limit while in the fast(est) lane: You sir, are a douche.  If you hung up the phone or at least drove with a hands-free set, you might have less problems with everyone cutting you off every 2 seconds.  And if that doesn't work, try hanging out in another lane, preferably one all the way over on the right where the cars going your speed tend to congregate.

  • To the driver of the gold Accord who made a left at the intersection WELL AFTER the light had turned red: Were you in such a godawful hurry that you were willing to cut off oncoming traffic and risk an accident to arrive somewhere 1 minute earlier?  I hope you managed to catch that last minute of commercials before Judge Judy came on – it would be a shame for you to go through so much effort just to miss out on the latest advertisement for Papa John's super-mega-meatlovers-extreme pizza.

  • To the lady in the white SUV with the vanity license plate that read "USA": I hope your name is Ursula Sarah Adams, because NOBODY needs to be so patriotic that they choose to name their vanity plate after their country of residence.  It's not clever and it's not cute.

  • To all other drivers out there:  Thank you for not pissing me off on the way home.  I actually had a pleasant drive, besides these nincompoops that made me dictate these comments while I was driving home.

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