Tag: email

You Kids Today Have Things Too Good

Alright, listen up you whippersnappers.  You don't know how nice you've got things nowadays.  Your lives are too easy, too good, too plentiful.  Let me tell you, when I was your age:

  • We didn't have any of this "motion-controlled video game system" crap.  When we jerked our controllers up to make Mario jump just a little bit higher on the screen, did he jump higher?  No sir-ee bob, he did not.  If you didn't hit that A button, Mario would get bit by that turtle and you'd lose a life, simple as that.  Oh yes, we'd be waving that damn controller all over the place, but good luck having it do anything more than give you a psychological benefit in the game!

  • Ketchup packets were just that – packets of ketchup that always contained too little ketchup and were damn hard to open.  None of this "Dip & Squeeze" crap that Heinz is coming out with now.  You bit your ketchup packets to open them because your hands were too greasy to tear open that serrated edge of the packet and that was that!  And if you were in the car, good luck keeping ketchup on your food and out of your lap!

  • Forget about cell phones, text messaging, instant messaging, email, twitter, facebook or skype.  When you wanted to get in touch with your friends, you picked up the house phone and called their house!  Or more often, you got on your bike or walked over to their house, rang the doorbell, and asked if they were home and could come play!

  • When we had to do a report for school, the first place we went was the CARD CATALOG in the LIBRARY.  Then you'd have to find BOOKS in the stacks and READ through them to find information!  Google and Wikipedia searches didn't exist. If you wanted to find out when Picasso painted Guernica, you had to look it up the hard way.  It built character, and ruined our eyesight.  That's why we all wear reading glasses now, dontcha know?

I could go on and on about all the ways you kids have it too easy today, but it's time for me to go watch some Olympics on the DVR.  Then I have to go read some of my feeds on Google Reader and follow it up with a "dance party" with my kids to the custom Pandora music stream I set up specifically for when we want to boogie on down.  But hear me on this: you kids are SPOILED.  Appreciate what you've got, because the next generation certainly will take it for granted…

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Hi folks – unfortunately, today's post is short and sweet.  I had to get up at 4:00 AM to get my wife off on her flight to Las Vegas for her girls' weekend out, and now I'm watching the two little lights-of-my-life, luckily with the generous help of my mom.  It's just going to be a long day and I can't wait to go to bed tonight.  So today's regularly scheduled post is replaced by the latest email forward to hit my inbox – but one the wordsmiths out there may enjoy:


Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
     The winners are:
     1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
     2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
     3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
     4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
     5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
     6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
     7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
     8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
     9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
     10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
     11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
 (This one got extra credit.)
     12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
     13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
     14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
     15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
     16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
     17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
     18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked
to supply alternate meanings for common words.
    And the winners are:
     1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
     2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
     3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
     4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
     5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
     6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
     7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
     8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
     9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
    10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
    11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
    12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
    14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



[NaBloPoMo 2008 – #22/30]

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The War of the (Annoying) Email Sounds

Do you remember about 5-6 years ago, when it was totally boss to customize your new-email notification sound to some hip sound byte?  There were whole websites devoted to providing you email chimes derived from quotes and quips from movies, television shows, and even political speeches.  If you search hard enough, you can probably still find them out there, today, although I'm sure they don't get the traffic they used to.

My first job out of college had a large population of recent grads, and pretty much everyone customized their email notification sound.  There was everything from Homer Simpson going "Woohoo!" to 2001 HAL's "There is a message for you" sound byte.  Frankly, it was a little annoying, but unless you were sitting right next to someone who had their speakers turned up, you didn't usually have to worry about hearing them very often.

After about a year there, I got moved to a proposal room where it was just one other guy and myself.  It was nice having the extra space, and we both had our speakers turned up pretty loud, since we weren't worried about our music bothering anyone else.  This led to the war of the email sounds.

I can't remember who started it, but at some point in time, I remember retaliating against Big J's latest email sound.  So I scoured the web and found an annoying sound to play every time I received a message:

Big J retaliated in kind by finding an even MORE annoying letter-themed song:

The arms race was building, and I had to shut him down, and fast.  I dug deep and edited together the atomic bomb of all email notification sounds – one so annoying, he would have no choice but to surrender to my terms:

My preemptive strike did the trick – after about two days of Pee Wee Herman, he capitulated and we underwent a mutual disarmament – we both muted our email notifications and I haven't used one on a computer since.  But I do regret going to such extreme measures – our ears will never be the same after the barrage we both took from Mr. Rubens.

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