For EF's most inappropriate holiday newsletter contest, I present a letter I "received" from Mrs. Judith Ozark, a 3rd cousin, twice-removed. Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead just means I didn't disguise things well enough – pretend they're just coincidental resemblances instead, please.
Dear Loved Ones, Friends, Family, and anyone else who happens to read this letter,
Wow! It's been another whole year already since my last Christmas letter to you all! I was so happy last year to receive letters from 4 of you (Mom & Dad, Aunt Esme, Aunt Matilda, and Grandma Ruth). Hopefully the rest of you are doing well! Send me a note to let me know you're not dead! Ha ha.
Things have been wonderful here in the Ozark household. Mitch, Cassandra, Buddy, and little Rufus all send their love to you all. (Rufus actually said "arf arf" and "grrrrufff ruff", but I translated doggy-talk into human for you all!)
Mitch is still the man of my dreams (even if I didn't dream about him having an affair with his secretary. Ha ha). But now that I found out about that, he's been well behaved and we've been going to regular counseling sessions. The roleplaying has done wonders for us (especially in the bedroom, ROWR!). The doctors say that ED is not very common in 35-year-old men, but since Mitch doesn't have any heart conditions (yet!) he's a suitable candidate for Viagra or Cialis. He complains they give him headaches, but he's willing to "take one for the team", if you know what I mean. Between his golf, tennis, and bridge games, I don't see a whole lot of Mitch on the weekends, but since his work forced him to cut back to part-time, I see enough of him during the week to make up for it! Ha ha.
Cassie is your typical twelve year old, complete with mood swings and embarrassment to be seen with her mother. I've tried to have "the talk" with her, since she's turning into a very pretty young woman, but she just keeps telling me she "knows all that stuff already." It's a good thing I can trust her, because it seems all of her best friends are boys. And she's assured me that their parents watch them like hawks whenever she's over at their houses studying, so I feel fine letting her hang out with them as long as her grades haven't dropped below the C+ average she needs to keep in order to keep her iPod and computer.
Buddy and Rufus are inseparable. You'd think a three year old would lose interest in a puppy after a couple of months, but he just can't seem to get enough of him. I did have to keep them apart for a while when Rufus got pinworms, but it didn't seem to help as Buddy got them just the same (did you know it takes up to a MONTH to get rid of pinworms, and you can be contagious for that whole time?) I'm considering getting Rufus neutered, but Mitch is resisting. (I think he is afraid that it will psychosomatically affect HIM, but I don't see how he can get any worse than he is now, ha ha).
As for me, I'm staying busy. I just signed up to be considered as a candidate for becoming a surrogate mother. Did you know you can earn up to $35,000 for a single pregnancy? Plus, I just miss the feel of being pregnant (something you never have to worry about Allison, right? Ha ha). Oh, and it helps a nice couple that can't have their own baby, so I feel like it would be the nice thing to do. The only thing is the doctor I talked to said I would have to stop smoking first. That's going to be awful tough, especially when I go out for drinks with the gals and everyone there is smoking. But I think I can manage it if I just keep thinking about what I get out of the deal.
I hope everyone out there is happy and healthy and may you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! (Except for you, Shannon – I hope you and your husband and kids have a good Hanukkah – eat some pancakes for me! Ha Ha.) Until next year, everybody!
Judy (and Mitch, Cassie, Buddy, and Rufus) Ozark
P.S. We didn't have time to get a family portrait taken this year, so here's some pictures from our beach trip this summer. I didn't get any good pictures of Mitch after his rash cleared up, so you'll just to imagine him without the blotchy face!