Last night, I had a dream.
No, not the MLK dream. I never get that inspirational in my dreams. Usually, I'm the main hero (spy, superhero, regular joe in a set of dangerous circumstances, etc) who has to do something to save the girl/day/world. Usually I manage to do it. But I digress, my dream wasn't about this, either.
Last night, I had a dream that I opened a new business. A combination barber shop and strip club.
Before you give me strange looks, it seemed perfectly natural in the dream. I can't remember the details, but business was booming and I remember sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar and counting stacks of cash in a manner reminiscent of Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard.
Now, a barber shop/strip club may seem like a good idea on the surface, but let's examine the pros and cons more closely:
- There's finally an actual use for that barber pole
- Gives scumbags a great excuse when they get home – "Sorry honey, just got a haircut, let me go take a shower and get these little hairs off me [and conveniently wash away any traces of cigarette smoke and/or stripper perfume, heh heh heh]"
- You can coin all sorts of new phrases, like:
- "Shave and a lapdance, two bucks."
- "Buzz me, baby."
- "There is NO SEX in the shampoo room!" (with apologies to Chris Rock)
- Cut hair and stripper glitter do not mix. I have a sneaking suspicion the dancers would end up looking like female versions of Teen Wolf (Jason Bateman version, not Michael J. Fox version)
- The buzz of electric clippers in the background really cuts down on the erotic appeal of someone gyrating to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
- The phrase "Hey baby, do you want a barber-chair dance?" just doesn't sound right
- The stylists and the strippers fight over who gets the tip
- In a traditional barber shop, you can be reasonably certain that someone isn't going to come after your genitals with a pair of extra sharp scissors. Add drunken, surly men and disgruntled dancers to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster.
Yes, I think this is an idea better left unimplemented.