Tag: humor

It Sounded Like a Good Idea…. Episode 1

Last night, I had a dream.

No, not the MLK dream.  I never get that inspirational in my dreams.  Usually, I'm the main hero (spy, superhero, regular joe in a set of dangerous circumstances, etc) who has to do something to save the girl/day/world.  Usually I manage to do it.  But I digress, my dream wasn't about this, either.

Last night, I had a dream that I opened a new business.  A combination barber shop and strip club.

Before you give me strange looks, it seemed perfectly natural in the dream.  I can't remember the details, but business was booming and I remember sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar and counting stacks of cash in a manner reminiscent of Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard.

Now, a barber shop/strip club may seem like a good idea on the surface, but let's examine the pros and cons more closely:

Pros:

  1. There's finally an actual use for that barber pole
  2. Gives scumbags a great excuse when they get home – "Sorry honey, just got a haircut, let me go take a shower and get these little hairs off me [and conveniently wash away any traces of cigarette smoke and/or stripper perfume, heh heh heh]"
  3. You can coin all sorts of new phrases, like:
    1. "Shave and a lapdance, two bucks."
    2. "Buzz me, baby."
    3. "There is NO SEX in the shampoo room!" (with apologies to Chris Rock)

Cons:

  1. Cut hair and stripper glitter do not mix.  I have a sneaking suspicion the dancers would end up looking like female versions of Teen Wolf (Jason Bateman version, not Michael J. Fox version)
  2. The buzz of electric clippers in the background really cuts down on the erotic appeal of someone gyrating to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
  3. The phrase "Hey baby, do you want a barber-chair dance?" just doesn't sound right
  4. The stylists and the strippers fight over who gets the tip
  5. In a traditional barber shop, you can be reasonably certain that someone isn't going to come after your genitals with a pair of extra sharp scissors.  Add drunken, surly men and disgruntled dancers to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Yes, I think this is an idea better left unimplemented.

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I Promise I’m Not Going to Turn into a Daddyblogger Here…

…but for the moment, this is the only thing that has been on my mind.

Top 10 Facts Every Parent Should Know (or Learn) About Having a Second Baby

10. Sleep is your new best friend.  And lack of sleep will make you feel like you're doing everything wrong.  This is normal (unless you really are doing everything wrong, in which case, get with the program, dude).

9. If you can learn to change a diaper with your eyes closed, you will almost be able to stay asleep during late night feedings (which entail getting up, feeding the baby a bottle, burping her, changing her diaper, feeding her some more, burping her some more, and patting her to sleep).

8. Toddlers will have almost no interest in the new baby.  Except when the baby is crying, at which point your toddler will want your absolute undivided attention centered on them and then alone.

7. DVRs are your friend.  Sure, you could watch Three's Company or The Fresh Prince at 4 AM, but why not record something you are actually interested in and have that playing while you're speedwalking around the room hoping the resulting motion will help put the baby back to sleep?

6. Everyone is probably much less interested in hearing about your child than you think.  If you find yourself using more than one sentence to describe how the baby/family members are doing, you're probably going too far.  Unless you're talking to your mother/mother-in-law.  Then feel free to spend an hour on the smallest details of your child – they eat that stuff up.

5. It's worth the money to invest in a comfortable couch.  You'll be spending a LOT of time on it, and your back will thank you.

4. If you're not asking, "Is he/she supposed to be doing that?!?" at least once a week, you're either a pediatrician, a woman on her 5th+ child, or someone who isn't paying attention to their kid.  Pretty much the best thing your baby will be good at when they are born is their ability to cause their parents to freak out for some reason or another.

3. Everyone wants to hold the new baby.  But nobody wants to take her for a night so you can finally get some decent rest for the first time in weeks months years.

2. There is no such thing as free time anymore.

1. As a corollary to the above point, be careful about what you promise to take on.  You'll find it a lot harder to finish stuff than you

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Most Inappropriate Holiday Newsletter Contest – My Entry

For EF's most inappropriate holiday newsletter contest, I present a letter I "received" from Mrs. Judith Ozark, a 3rd cousin, twice-removed.  Any resemblance to anyone, living or dead just means I didn't disguise things well enough – pretend they're just coincidental resemblances instead, please.

Dear Loved Ones, Friends, Family, and anyone else who happens to read this letter,

Wow!  It's been another whole year already since my last Christmas letter to you all!  I was so happy last year to receive letters from 4 of you (Mom & Dad, Aunt Esme, Aunt Matilda, and Grandma Ruth).  Hopefully the rest of you are doing well!  Send me a note to let me know you're not dead!  Ha ha.

Things have been wonderful here in the Ozark household.  Mitch, Cassandra, Buddy, and little Rufus all send their love to you all.  (Rufus actually said "arf arf" and "grrrrufff ruff", but I translated doggy-talk into human for you all!)

Mitch is still the man of my dreams (even if I didn't dream about him having an affair with his secretary.  Ha ha).  But now that I found out about that, he's been well behaved and we've been going to regular counseling sessions.  The roleplaying has done wonders for us (especially in the bedroom, ROWR!).  The doctors say that ED is not very common in 35-year-old men, but since Mitch doesn't have any heart conditions (yet!) he's a suitable candidate for Viagra or Cialis.  He complains they give him headaches, but he's willing to "take one for the team", if you know what I mean.  Between his golf, tennis, and bridge games, I don't see a whole lot of Mitch on the weekends, but since his work forced him to cut back to part-time, I see enough of him during the week to make up for it!  Ha ha.

Cassie is your typical twelve year old, complete with mood swings and embarrassment to be seen with her mother.  I've tried to have "the talk" with her, since she's turning into a very pretty young woman, but she just keeps telling me she "knows all that stuff already."  It's a good thing I can trust her, because it seems all of her best friends are boys.  And she's assured me that their parents watch them like hawks whenever she's over at their houses studying, so I feel fine letting her hang out with them as long as her grades haven't dropped below the C+ average she needs to keep in order to keep her iPod and computer.

Buddy and Rufus are inseparable.  You'd think a three year old would lose interest in a puppy after a couple of months, but he just can't seem to get enough of him.  I did have to keep them apart for a while when Rufus got pinworms, but it didn't seem to help as Buddy got them just the same (did you know it takes up to a MONTH to get rid of pinworms, and you can be contagious for that whole time?)  I'm considering getting Rufus neutered, but Mitch is resisting.  (I think he is afraid that it will psychosomatically affect HIM, but I don't see how he can get any worse than he is now, ha ha).

As for me, I'm staying busy.  I just signed up to be considered as a candidate for becoming a surrogate mother.  Did you know you can earn up to $35,000 for a single pregnancy?  Plus, I just miss the feel of being pregnant (something you never have to worry about Allison, right? Ha ha).  Oh, and it helps a nice couple that can't have their own baby, so I feel like it would be the nice thing to do.  The only thing is the doctor I talked to said I would have to stop smoking first.  That's going to be awful tough, especially when I go out for drinks with the gals and everyone there is smoking.  But I think I can manage it if I just keep thinking about what I get out of the deal.

I hope everyone out there is happy and healthy and may you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! (Except for you, Shannon – I hope you and your husband and kids have a good Hanukkah – eat some pancakes for me! Ha Ha.)  Until next year, everybody!

Love,

Judy (and Mitch, Cassie, Buddy, and Rufus) Ozark

P.S. We didn't have time to get a family portrait taken this year, so here's some pictures from our beach trip this summer.  I didn't get any good pictures of Mitch after his rash cleared up, so you'll just to imagine him without the blotchy face!

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QotD: Everybody Change!

   If you could get everyone in the world to change their behavior in one way, what would you have them do differently?

    Submitted by Ross.

I checked what some people have already posted for this QotD, and there are some great answers out there:

  • By far, the most popular answer seems to be people wanting everyone to be more tolerant of others, which is always a great answer – more tolerance equals less hate, less violence, less problems.  This is something I always am hoping for.
  • There are a number of variations on this theme, from people that said we shouldn't be trying to change people, and accept the way they are, to people who want others to listen better, be more courteous, practice good manners, etc.  All of these types of actions are things that grease the wheels of society, and I couldn't agree more that they would be great to have people do better or more often.
  • Some people said they want everyone to recognize/acknowledge God/religion/etc.  I'll assume this isn't a blind cry for religious conformity, but rather people who are focusing on the tolerant and accepting aspects of their religion and how the world would be a better place if people incorporated these actions into their lives…
  • Some people focused on the environmental actions, hoping people would be more green.  This would definitely help our world out, even if it isn't EVERYONE who changes their behavior in this way.
  • There were a bunch of other, more personal things out there that all had merit – definitely go check out what people have posted to see some thought-provoking answers.

As for me, I decided to consider one that I haven't seen people mention yet.  I would want people to be more appreciative of the humor and good in everything around them.  If some people had a better sense of humor, or didn't take things so seriously, or just plain appreciated the good aspects of their lives, I think the world would be a better place. 

I don't think one single action is going to change our problems with violence, war, poverty, disease, etc, but if we can change part of our outlook, we might be able to start making a dent in some of these problems in a way we didn't think we could, before. 

As a challenge to you – one time in the next week or so, when you find yourself in a situation that makes you angry or sad or upset or otherwise negative – stop for a moment and try to view the situation in another way that seems humorous, or lets you appreciate the things you do have in your life in spite of the situation.  If your change in outlook doesn't fix the issue outright (it probably wont!), did it at least help in some way?

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QotD: World’s Best Beer

   What is the best beer on planet Earth? 

    Submitted by Remmy Van Hornie.

I had a whole big plan to taste-test 300 different kinds of beer to answer this QotD, but it has been foiled by my lack of funds to buy said 300 types of beer.

On further introspection, however, I find this question to be unbelievably biased.  What about all those types of beer from planet Mars?  And with the limited scope of this question, we can't even bring into the debate whether the brew from Jupiter counts, (even though what the residents there call beer more closely resembles Earthly cider).

This QotD represents the very same narrow-minded mindset that has to date kept us out of the Intergalactic Union.  Yes, take pride in your planet, but don't take it to full-scale Globalism.  Just like the raging bouts of Nationalism in our planet's history, this can lead to unhealthy consequences for you and the planet at large.

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Some QotD Questions I Didn’t Just Suggest

I suggested a few QotD questions a moment ago.  I had to discard a few before I got to the ones I thought might have a chance of making it to the big time.  These are a few of the ones that ended up on the cutting room floor:

1) Which HP-sponsored Vox Hunt question have you enjoyed most so far?

2) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-roll pop?

3) In a royal rumble between Shinzo Abe, Colin Powell, Trent Reznor, Haruki Murakami, Ryan Seacrest, and Gary Kasparov, who would make it out of the cage first?

4) Which do you prefer, fat Elvis or skinny Elvis?

5) If a plane leaves from Moscow at 11 PM local time and a boat leaves Manila at 3 AM local time, when does Brazil next win the World Cup?

6) Are you tired of silly questions yet?

7) How about now?

8) How many people do you bet gave up on this entry before getting this far?

9) How many people do you think got this far, but were skimming and now go back to find out why I was talking about skinny Elvis and cage matches involving Ryan Seacrest?

10) Can you loan me $20?  I promise I'll pay you back by next Monday….

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