Tag: vegas

Shakes on a Plane

In lieu of your regularly scheduled day-before-Thanksgiving post, I bring you the following guest-entry from my wonderful wife, who will be regaling you with the tale of her torturous trip home from Las Vegas to Harrisburg.  It was too entertaining NOT to share.

The following is the body of an email Dee sent today to her friends that were on the trip with her:

Hey!
 
Let's have a contest to see who had the worst experience on their trip home.
 
Let's see, after taking off on the Delta flight from Vegas, we circled for about a half hour.  The pilot then came on and said that the reason why we were circling was that they noticed after taking off that some of the wing flaps used to slow the plane on landing were not working and we were going to have to make an emergency landing.  We circled for about 30 more minutes to burn off fuel so we wouldn't go up in a fiery ball on impact.  Meanwhile people were getting hysterical.  (Except for the drunk English guys who were laughing and singing).  I ain't gonna lie, I was a little teary.
 
The pilot then came on to say that he was going to attempt a landing at a higher than usual speed and to not be alarmed by the fire trucks and ambulances we would see racing toward the airplane while we were landing.  After scaring the everloving shit out of all of us, the landing was fine, just a lot faster and bumpier than we were used to.   We sat on the tarmac for another 30 minutes or so while the brakes cooled.  They were worried the brakes might catch on fire, apparently they didn't give a shit about the passengers that might go up in the inferno.
 
We were on one of those huge planes (9 seats on each row), so ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE had to deal with some VERY bitchy gate agents to try to get the hell out of Vegas.  (Except for the English guys, they didn't care, they just kept drinking).  Needless to say I missed my connection and had to stay in Atlanta last night.  Sooo, I just got back to Harrisburg at around noon today, instead of at 10 PM last night like planned.
 
Sooo, unless anyone still hasn't made it home, I WIN! 
 
(And I'm not even bringing up the creepy guy who hit on me on the hotel shuttle in Atlanta.)
 
In the words of the drunk English guys on my doomed flight:
 
Cheers!
Dee

I'll be sure to share with Dee any comments you have commiserating her oh-so-fun flight home.  We would LOVE to hear any other airline horror stories you might have, too!


[NaBloPoMo 2008 – #26/30]

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Saturday….Ugh

Hi folks – unfortunately, today's post is short and sweet.  I had to get up at 4:00 AM to get my wife off on her flight to Las Vegas for her girls' weekend out, and now I'm watching the two little lights-of-my-life, luckily with the generous help of my mom.  It's just going to be a long day and I can't wait to go to bed tonight.  So today's regularly scheduled post is replaced by the latest email forward to hit my inbox – but one the wordsmiths out there may enjoy:

 

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
     The winners are:
 
     1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
 
     2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
     3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
 
     4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
     5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
 
     6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 
     7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 
     8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
     9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
     10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
 
     11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
 (This one got extra credit.)
 
     12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
 
     13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
 
     14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
 
     15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 
     16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
     17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
     18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked
to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
    And the winners are:
 
     1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
 
     2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 
     3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
     4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
     5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
 
     6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
     7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
 
     8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
     9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
    10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
 
    11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
 
    12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
    13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
 
    14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
    16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

 

[NaBloPoMo 2008 – #22/30]

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The DQ #42 – October 2, 2007

"Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work."
    –Raoul Duke (Johnny Depp), Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

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